The Next Generation of Whispers

•March 3, 2011 • 2 Comments

I haven't been this excited about a grab-n-go item since Go-Gurt

Since March Madness hasn’t started yet, I have time for a quick post.  I’m excited about Stanley’s (the new cafe in Lopata) “takeover” of campus life.  Still, no one has yet to mention that this new entry in the market could really hurt the campus library industry, which relies on Whispers cafe to bring in customers.  Just personally, I never even go to the library or Whispers except to get my Whispers vanilla frappe fix, and apparently Stanley wasn’t smart enough to include those on his menu.  Guess I won’t be going to his place.

Stanley’s does have great cinnamon rolls, though, and I like the fruit in their yogurt parfaits better than the fruit in the parfaits from Whispers.  I’ve noticed that people have been catching on to this—my QBA study group decided to meet at Stan’s on Wednesdays instead of Whispers, which was a lucky coincidence for Mike and Ben, who organized the meeting, since they had mechanics in Lopata right before.

I should also mention that the Einstein’s (bagels) opened in the business school recently.  I’m sure that some of their bagels are alright, but they sell a lot of things that I’m not used to seeing on the menu everywhere else on campus, and that can be overwhelming, especially if I’m already having a tough day.  I respect most of what the administration does at this university because I know that sometimes they have logical reasons for what they do; that being said it was irresponsible for the administration not to take into account how difficult menus can affect students’ choices.  From what I’m learning in Intro to psych, I can tell you not go to Einstein’s if you have a history of anxiety or panic attacks in your family.  If you do and you and you still want to go be prepared to freak out (huge menu + the coffee isn’t Kaldi’s brewed by Bon Appetit employees).

Top 5 College Sweatshirts to Wear On Campus

•February 22, 2011 • 1 Comment

What college sweatshirt you wear lets people know who you are and if you like to hook up with preppy girls from Connecticut or Southern chicks.  I know that my Cal Tech sweatshirt was a major help in getting elected vice president of the treasury in the engineering junior honors society.  Also I’m pretty sure that my Writing 1 professor lowered my participation grade because I came to class a few times wearing my Dartmouth hoodie and one day when he logged onto his email to download a video about binaries and strands, I saw that Dartmouth rejected him from their English PhD program.  Different people can have different preferences when it comes to college hoodies, but these are the overall top five college sweatshirts to be seen in on campus (sorority mixers included).  Please don’t tell me that this is subjective—I did too much research and spent too much time writing and editing this post to have someone say that this list is wrong or inconsistent or they don’t agree with it.

1. Brown: I like to party most of the time, but there’s another side of me too.  When I wear my Brown sweatshirt everyone assumes that I keep up to date with boring shit like the genocide in Egypt and observers know that I like food from all over the world—there are so many great falafel vendors in NYC that just sell literally right out of a truck!

2. Michigan: I know enough about sports to pull this off.  I usually wear this sweatshirt a lot in the winter to remind my brothers that I will finish in the top four of our March madness bracket.  I’m not happy about Ole Miss getting our small forward, but it’ll be okay as long as I win the bracket.

This sweatshirt cost me less than my fantasy football insider app ($7.99!)

2. Middlebury: I wore this one a lot in high school when I played golf and LAX.  I also used to ski in it with my North Face over it.  Last January when I got back to St. Louis from vacation, I went to Hidden Valley and ran into a Middlebury kid, but we didn’t talk too much.  He seemed pretty awkward and anti-social.  He could have been angry that I ran into him on the ski slope, but if he was smart enough to go to Middlebury then I shouldn’t need to explain to him that the double-black diamonds can be tough.

3. WashU: Wash U is a good school that is highly respected for its academic and athletic programs.  I don’t always wear this around in New York because I don’t want to intimidate people, but I did send one to my friend at UCLA because I knew he is always looking to keep up with trends.

4. Brown: This is a good sweatshirt if you know someone who goes to Brown, even if you have never been there.  Most people around here don’t know about Brown except for their UPS Ground program which has gone international and no St. Louisans have never heard of Providence, so you can say pretty much anything about the parties you had there and all the sorority girls you hooked up with.

5. Boulder: I wear this sweatshirt when I want to score some dank nugs at AEPi or in the Loop.  For a while I used to just go in my Wesleyan sweatshirt, but I found that Mike put really good weed (and only really good weed) in the bag when I came in the Boulder sweatshirt and he didn’t soak it in water before he weighed it and then sell me wet oregano.  I don’t know why people think Wesleyan guys are a bunch of pushovers—I would have gone/transferred there too if I couldn’t get in to Vassar or got rejected by the good Wash U frats.

5 Proven Ways Get a Date for Valentine’s Day

•February 16, 2011 • 1 Comment
There are lots of ways to determine which girls to pursue, like if you want one with similar academic interests or if she's wearing jeggings

There are lots of ways to determine which girls to pursue, like if you want one with similar academic interests or if she's wearing jeggings

First off I want to apologize for getting this post out to you late.  I had most of it written last week and wanted to get it off in time to help you get a date this past weekend (for V-DAY!), but I was busy with my own romantic endeavors (if you know what I mean).  I realize now that I’m too late in publishing to help you out, but I figured I’d go ahead and publish anyway so you can print out the post and save it somewhere for Valentine’s Day, 2012.

Without further adieu, here’s my guide to getting a date for V-Day (it consists of methods that have worked for me in the past or ones that I’ve heard of working on girls):

1. Accidentally brush by target on your skateboard (+wipeout): Alright this one’s easy.  When you’ve found the Pi Phi or Kappa girl that you wanna ask out you just need to set up behind her, where she should be walking away from you.  Then you skateboard past her, but “accidentally” brush her side with your back then pretend to wipeout on the grass.   When she comes up to you (which they do almost every time) just pretend like you’re worried if they are hurt and take responsibility for hitting them.  If you skate goofy go to her left; if you skate regular go to her right—if you needed to be told this then you’re probably not a good enough skater to do this one successfully.  Here’s how it works:

Katie from QBA (coming up to me after I wiped out): Oh my God, are you okay?

Me: I’m so sorry.  Did I hit you?  Sometimes I get going so fast on my skateboard that I don’t see people.  I’m really sorry about that because this is so embarrassing.

Katie from QBA: Are you okay?

Me: Of course I am.  I was just worried that I might have hurt you or something.

Katie from QBA: Seriously, you’re ear is bleeding.  I can’t tell where the cut starts and stops.  [I accidentally fucked up the wipeout landing when I did this on Katie, and my head hit the concrete lip between the grass and the path.  This was the only time I’ve ever gotten hurt though].  Maybe you should go to the hospital.

Me: The hospital, huh?  That sounds overwhelming to do alone.

Katie from QBA: Do you have a car?

Me: Yes.

Katie from QBA: I’ll take you then.  And by the way, can you swing me by Schnucks for an al’ run after you get stitched up?

2. Go to Chabad: This can be tricky, but you’ll have fun regardless.  Take a couple shots of Smirnoff, sink a Nattie Light, and head of to Chabad with your wing man.  There are some cute girls to meet there, and you’ll be fine as long as you don’t make fun of Genesis or talk about the New York Times.

3. Wear a Backwards Hat: This one is a classic.  You gotta find your favorite hat and your favorite backwards style.  Last week, when I was looking for a Valentine’s Date, I stayed busy by making laps through the Village every few hours, wearing my backwards hat.  For more info on the best way to wear your hat (or “hat branding”) check out Five Cool Ways to Wear a Hat Backwards.

4. Come to my frat: My fraternity tends to have the best parties.  If you’re a brother, you know who you are.  You can usually find plenty of girls there to hook-up with/massage on the lobby couch/ask on dates.  I massaged Emily (shoulder massage, over her shirt) in the lobby on Friday because I was still trying to get a Valentine’s date for Saturday, but unfortunately she’s really busy this weekend and all of next week so she couldn’t do it.

5.  Find a baby to borrow and pretend like you are a caring single father: I think it is what happened in that romcom with Jennifer Aniston.  I’ve never done it in a frat or anything, but any trick that works on Jennifer Aniston is a trick that’s worth a shot.  Since it ended up not working out with Katie from QBA, I thought about asking a family in Malinckrodt if I could borrow their baby, but I decided that it wouldn’t have been the right thing to do to mislead a girl that I wanted to get a date with like that.  Anyway, it’s too bad that the “skateboard brush-by” didn’t work on Katie from QBA, but it probably would have if she didn’t need to do her QBA project after they finished stitching me at the hospital and we went to Schnucks for her ‘al run.  If there’s a silver lining, it’s that I didn’t have to do the QBA project (our prof. must have forgotten to hand it out to some of us).

PS My ear will be fine—just a little scar after they take the stitches out.  You can rest assured that I won’t let the social discourse at Wash U suffer just because my ear hurts.

Great Sandwich!!!

•February 7, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Let me tell you a story.  Two years ago I was just another kid like you: I didn’t have toned abs, I had never seen Entourage, I was a bad test-taker, and I couldn’t even tell you that Sig Chi was better than Theta Xi.  But now that I’m a personal finance major at Wash U on my way to a successful career at Goldman Sachs or Lehman Brothers—(hopefully I don’t have to work for long before I can retire though)—I’ve made the decision to embrace “professionalism.”  I conduct myself professionally with anyone from a PP (prospective parent) asking where they can go on a Budweiser Beer Tour to a frat brother who wants to get my Intro to Human Ev tests from last year (ur identity is safe with me Kathy and give me a call some time).  Now as a professional I expect those around me to respect the rules of “the game” and be professional.  Normally I don’t have a particular problem with people, but a few times last semester the BD cook forgot to put the third piece of bacon on my Turkey Club, or it came with all the cheese sauce on one side and the bacon at the wrong angle, and I think we should all admit that that behavior just isn’t “professional.”

Today, though, I got the short black guy at the sandwich station. I don’t know his name because I don’t want to be awkward and talk to him (frat brothers have been teasing me for “hitting on” BD employees b4).  He makes THE BEST sandwiches.  He puts three slices of bacon well-centered on the lettuce and then he tops it off with a “You alright man? be careful tonight.”   I started calling him Mr. T as a joke (don’t remember how it started).  He really seems to like it.

Mr. T, you are a godsend.  Now teach the rest of the staff about “professionalism in the workplace” or make them all do Mgmt 100.

“Fake Chancellor Wrighton” is COMPLETELY FAKE

•February 4, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Chancellor Wrighton would never advocate replacing our math department with a "meth department" just to make more money

We all know that Twitter is the future—Time Magazine (the future of print media) even had an article called “Twitter is the Future” last week—but as we mold our future through 140 char “Tweets,” it’s important that we remember that the internet is a dangerous tool.  Just as easily as Twitter can be a force for good, it can be a force for evil—the Chancellor Wrighton feed is a sad, but fortunately rare example of this.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the kinda of guy who takes myself too seroiusly.  I like doing random things like throwing snowballs at Freshman outside of Sig Chi and chugging Red Bull+Vodka contests on Thursday nights (Cultural Anthro can suck my dick for having class on Friday).  But the fake chancellor feed has advocated for stealing university property, forcing alcoholic beverages on freshman, and consuming illicit beverages (Four Loko).  This isn’t funny.

After touring the country’s best colleges with my mom and doing countless hours of research, I decided to apply to Wash U because it had no supplement (Common app only) and they said during the tour that it was ranked 10th in the U.S. News and World Report best colleges guide.  I did not come to this university to see a bunch of immature Phi Delt guys make a fake Twitter account that impersonates the chancellor, portraying him as a person that vandalizes school property (by using Bear’s Den trays as sleds) and prank texts his students.  While Chancellor Wrighton is a quirky man with a great sense of humor, I can guarantee you that he is nothing like what is said on the fake Twitter feed.  Let me emphasize that again: the Chancellor W Twitter is FAKE, as in NOT REAL, as in NOT ACTUALLY WRITTEN BY CHANCELLOR WRIGHTON.  If the site were to start posting real rumors about the chancellor, (like his frequent 2am Steak n’ Shake sightings or how the flowers from in front of brooking mysteriously disappear every few months), it could be humiliating for the everyone who attends this university.  I didn’t come to a top-ranked U.S. News and World Report university to have that happen.


•January 31, 2011 • 1 Comment

I've haven't found this girl on campus yet

WUNP (pronounced “Wash U No Pants”) is finally back!  I’ve been pretty depressed lately, and I know I haven’t been posting much, but it’s been better since yesterday when I overheard this Sammy kid in my class talking about WUNP coming back.

If you don’t know, WUNP started back in ’08 as a style guide for WashU girls.  Leggings were so hot for a while, but then they went out in ’09 when Prof. Greenbaum of WUED (Wash U Economics Department) started wearing a pair of black legging-jeans to his lectures.

Now its 2011, and the world has moved forward.  People are no longer afraid to wear their leggings.  Even Bristol Palin coming to speak about abstinence won’t stop progress from continuing at Wash U.

I’m pretty excited to witness the rebirth of leggings, and that WUNP has “re-started” to catalogue this “re-trend.”  I used to love to scroll through the pictures and think about different girls’ fashion potentials.  I know that with tons of hot new pics I won’t be depressed in the weeks to come.

XMAS Break Update/The NFL is Ruining Football

•January 11, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Freedom of religion is protected in the Fourth Amendment. You can't stop people from expressing themselves.

My break is going pretty well so far, except that I left my phone in my pants and my mom put it through the washer.  It doesn’t really matter because I was getting a new phone for Christmas anyway.  It’s too bad though, because the battery leaked and now I have to drive my dad to get a new washer at Sears.

After that I took the car over to my friend’s house and taught my friends how to play slap cup, the game the we usually play in the house basement.  It was pretty fun, but then his mom came down and was pissed that there was beer in the rug, so she kicked us out.  I didn’t want to drive back yet so we built a jump out of snow in his backyard and went down it on his little bro’s snowboard until it broke when Joey was being a fucking idiot, trying to go over the jump sideways.

I should probably clarify what I meant when I wrote “the NFL is ruining football” in the title to this post.  It really comes down to one thing: the NFL is telling its players what to do, and not letting them play the game.  One of the reasons that WWE is always so popular is that they let the wrestlers play the game—they don’t tell them what’s a “legal” pin or any of that arbitrary bullshit.  That’s why people get so emotional about the sport.  I’ve even seen the referees start fighting before because they get so caught up in what’s going on.  That type of heat of the moment is becoming impossible in the NFL as Roger Goodell turns the league administration into basically a nanny organization trying to keep peace among all the players all over the country (basically the NATO of sports).

It all started a while ago with the crackdown on helmet to helmet hits, when the NFL almost lost James Harrison to retirement.  They say they just want to protect the players, but they can’t protect their players by passing illegal rules and forcing them to quit.  Also, defensive lineman Ndamukong Suh was fined $15000 for showing Jay Cutler where the ground was after he scrambled for 8 yards.  That kind of enthusiasm should be encouraged.  Harrison needs to stop fining players for just playing the game the way it was meant to be played, and stop interfering with their personal lives by draining them of all their money.

But now they are thinking about a lockout.  If I have to miss any games of next season because the greedy owners wont pay the players what their market value is, I might just stop watching football.  My point is that football was always a game about making fair calls and big hits and having a cool routine to do after you score a touchdown, and if the NFL ruins that then they will have ruined football forever.  I will just have to switch to the NBA.

Apology to My Readers (Part II)

•November 6, 2010 • 3 Comments

I've been disappointed with Obama's first term in office, but I know that he won't let this happen

It’s no secret that people are talking about me.  I know that a lot of you are wondering why I haven’t posted in so long.  I never wanted it to come to this, but I can’t stay quiet any longer.  Yes, it’s true, I was accused of libel, and Wash U administrators are considering shutting down my blog.  Apparently, some of the things that I quoted Student Life as having written (in my article about the mugging in front of Wheeler), Student Life didn’t actually write, which apparently counts as libel under 1st Amendment.  You may not believe me, but I truly didn’t intentionally misquote Student Life.  I don’t know how it happened—probably a hacker got into my blog or someone gave me a fake issue of the newspaper.  What I can tell you, however, is that I will get to the bottom of this.  I will find out who did this, and I will publish their name on my blog for the world to see.

Before you side with Student Life and the university administration, I want you to hear what I have to say.  Apart from freedom of speech concerns, the issue comes down to this: some people are happy to just go through their lives not taking risks, and as a result, getting nowhere.  That’s not me.  Obviously I did not intend to misquote Student Life—after all, if I ran them out of business where would I go for CS40 election coverage?  But if Student Life was misquoted in my article, which apparently it may have been, it’s only because I want to report the news without any “spin” or “political agenda.”  I wanted to tell it like it is to my readers, report the news straight.

Lately, I’ve been getting disappointed with politics as usual in Washington, and I’m deeply sorry that school politics is now starting to determine our way of life and tell us how we are supposed to function in this existential world.  In this economy, it’s shocking that the university is chastising its students for thinking outside of the box and aiming to reach new heights in the sphere of new journalism.

In high school I had to read every word of the Constitution and I don’t remember it saying anything about misquoting a newspaper, even though I’m not convinced I did that, and if I did, I certainly didn’t do it intentionally.  I know for a fact that when Benjamin Franklin and Samuel Adams wrote the Constitution they intended for it to protect the rights of those who were trying to make a difference in this shallow and superficial society, those who were fighting against the established machine.  By writing that “the meek shall inherit the earth,”  they were trying to make the point that it doesn’t matter whose side you were on in the Revolutionary war or who your parents were: what was important was that you had a big heart and had something to contribute to society.

After two trying semesters at Wash U, I have found my calling.  You’re reading it.  I don’t care whose side your on in this continuing debate, but you should support me in my continued battle against the status quo.  I will not let you down, and I’m sorry that Student Life doesn’t understand that.

Dyson DC33 Multi Floor (Sponsored Post)

•October 27, 2010 • Leave a Comment

If you loved your children, you would want their living space to be as sanitary as possible

Apparently my blog has been getting media attention lately because a guy sent me an email saying he was from Dyson and he would pay me $25 to write an endorsement of the DC33 Multi Floor on my blog.

Luckily writing an endorsement is easy, since this is the best vacuum around.  You can go traveling around the world, but I guarantee that you won’t find anything that cleans carpet stains and dust so well.  Basically the secret is the vacuum’s Root Cyclone technology.  According to the online manual it “captures more dirt and microscopic dust than other cyclones.”

One of my favorite things about the DC33 is that it’s only 17.6lbs yet has a telescope reach wand that extends 15.7 ft.  I’ve never seen that good a weight/telescope-wand-length ratio in a vacuum.  Overall, I would say the DC33 Multi Floor is a very good purchase.  I’m confident that if I bought it I would like it, and probably wouldn’t even return it after using it a few times like I did with that huge amp from Guitar Center that I got for the Sig Chi gig.

Anyway, I was a little worried that there were a lot of typos in the email that the Dyson rep sent me—I don’t want to work for a company that can’t spell—but I’m sure the guy will figure it out eventually.  Sometimes it just takes time; that’s what my Writing 1 professor told me last year when we met because I was struggling with the spelling in my essays.

First, though, I Googled Dyson.  I was confused since I was pretty sure they were just a company that sold chicken at the grocery store, but I guess they diversified.  In a modern business environment, where entrepreneurialism is the key to success, it’s important that you diversify your company.

Getting the Most out of Your Engine

•October 22, 2010 • 2 Comments

My dad got angry at me for spending so much on gas last month, telling me that what gas I used made no difference, but I showed him that there's hard science behind "Ultimate"

My ’01 Infiniti M37 has always served me well.  I use it all the time—sometimes picking up my roommates at the airport or sometimes just heading to Sonic.  Sometimes I use the car for more romantic pursuits, like when some girls I know are on the loop and I want to pick them up and hang out.  I would never want it to break down with one of them in the car, so when I go to the fill up the tank I want to know that I’m getting the best product available.  Usually I fill up at the Shell Station at the corner of Skinker and Delmar, and buy “Ultimate”—their top of the line gas.  Sometimes I go to the BP on Forsyth.  That place is alright, but the best gas there, “Premium,” as they call it, is just basically standard premium grade gas that you could find anywhere.  I’ve never had any issues with my car after filling up on it, but I just feel like my car performs better when I put “Ulitimate” (from Shell) into the tank—I think its because the acid-purifying microbes that they put in it.

Also, there’s another reason that I’ve only gone to the BP a handful of times in the last six months.  I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.  It was really bad what happened to the environment, and it was pretty much all BP’s fault.  But they have done an amazing job with their cleanups efforts (my uncle works at their corporate office in Houston and he assured me that they did everything they could).  They are even paying the fisherman in that area for the fish they killed, which is the right thing to do.  I’m still afraid that if that girl that I’m trying to hook up who’s in my environmental studies class finds out that I sometimes get gas at BP, she won’t hook up with me.  She really likes otters and turtles and other mammals (Art History major).

Have you guys tried “Ultimate” at the Shell station?  If not, what brand of premium grade gas does your engine best perform on?  Is getting “Ultimate” worth it, when you have to spend $5 on the album of that emcee that hangs out at the Shell station?