Five Cool Things To Do In STL

Whether you’re a white cattle rancher from Southern Missouri or a white steel welder from Indiana, there’s no debate that St. Louis has a lot to offer. You may be in St. Louis for a week on “business”* or you may just be here to attend the Tea Party on Sunday. Regardless, this list will help you explore and enjoy your stay.

Fishing just isn't as lucrative

5. Go phishing along the Mississippi: Did I say phishing? Good. You really shouldn’t go fishing in the Mississippi—it’s the most frequent place of extra-terrestrial life sightings in the United States and its water makes the Charles River look like the Gero Onsen springs in Japan. What a lot of people choose to do instead is to go “phishing along the Mississippi.” If you know that phishing is a form of identity theft that seeks to take people’s personal account information on fake websites that are set up to mirror legitimate websites but often with a spelling mistake in the URL (think, then you can probably guess that “phishing along the Mississippi” means setting up fake websites to steal the information of of St. Louisans, Minneapolitans, and whatever people from New Orleans are called. Fifty years of weak manufacturing and a weak economy have made this a popular activity for people in St. Louis looking to eat tomorrow. Join them for a day and see what it’s all about!

St. Louis' north side is known for its quaint row houses and historic architecture

4. Drive through North or East St. Louis (or Both): Nothing screams adrenaline rush like a near-death experience. Have one of your own! If you’re driving east into downtown, take a left on 14th Street and drive it up to Cass Avenue. Once there, you can get out and take in your surroundings. Sometimes tourists go at night to watch the arsonists work. If you brought a camcorder, you might want to take this opportunity to film a couple scenes for that movie you’ve been working on that’s set in Baghdad.

"We've got a diploma for you!"

3. Be a Billiken: How many days does it take to get your MBA at Saint Louis University (SLU)? Well, that’s a complicated question. SLU is a Catholic institution, and God created the Universe in seven days, so if you have the right make-up (read: trust fund) and you work hard, you should be able to get through graduate school in seven days. Remember though that the seventh day is a day of rest.

2. Vote down the Metro-Link: Sure, St. Louis is known for embracing diversity whether it’s in the form of a hamburger served with not just fries but grilled onions as well or a friend of a friend who was born in a town in Texas that’s near Mexico, but there are only a few things we St. Louisans truly love: Budweiser, the Cardinals, and blocking funding to our mass transit agency so we can complain about how bad it is so we can block any future funding for it so that our complaining about how bad it is will never be jeopardized by acceptable service.

Gateway Arch as seen from East St. Louis. Photograph recovered at Barnes-Jewish Hospital from the victim's camera.

1. Go to the Arch: Welcome to STL! What better way to take in the city, than by going to its most famous landmark? The Arch was built in 1965. It was constructed by stripping the steel out of the homes and buildings being demolished during the last week of February (of that year) and melting it down into a large tube. Mayor Jones, then the mayor of St. Louis, got his friend Teddy to bring some farming tractors downtown, and they bent the tube so that it curved 180 degrees, and presto! The Arch was built! The folklore is that Jones was campaigning for reelection and he wanted to give voters a visual representation that what goes up, must come down in order to justify the decline of St. Louis under his administration.

*Given that Methamphetamines remain illegal in Missouri as well as the rest of the United States, and given that people in much of the country still believe business is conducted in St. Louis, the best excuse you can make for your visit to St. Louis is that you are going there on business. Remember not to hold small quote signs in the air as you say this.

~ by killerbuffalo on April 25, 2010.

One Response to “Five Cool Things To Do In STL”

  1. This is wonderful.

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